Its a cat thing!
by black dagger
Summary: The cats live together in harmony until a rogue cat leaves the safe city and adventures to Heinz Mountain.
1. Introduction

_**It's a cat thing**_

_**Introduction**_

Heinz opened his mouth in amazement. The pile of old magazines was higher then anything he'd ever seen. The pitch black surrounding only made his eyes shine all the brighter.

The fact was that nobody had been in here for nearly 3 million years. Dust hung from the ceiling like a cobweb, not entirely thick and yet strangely sturdy. Heinz had been trying to get through the first layer of dust for almost 5 years now.

Heinz! What a stupid name, he'd always thought. A child should not be named after a can of beans. Of course, its all the cat kind knew. They were not like the human's mentioned in the recently discovered "Magazines". They could only come up with names they knew. Names of packets of dried food which were kept in the hold with the now over populated cat civilisation.

Of course, Heinz was the only one who knew that, as he was the only one to venture outside of the city. No one else dared go against the tyrannical priests who spoke of monsters and demons. Cloister was out there, they said, protecting us from the monsters.

It was Heinz's dream to see it all. It had been his father's dream as well. But his Dad had been funny like that. He had all sort of weird dreams. He wanted to go to the promised land, Fuchal, and open a hotdog stand.

His father had been one of the less mad Priests. He knew that the wars were stupid and had campaigned against them. Nobody listened. That's usually the problem with 'Holy Wars', nobody listens to the priests.

The official story was his Dad had left the city once and had never come back. Propaganda wise this was fantastic. The priests used it in a commercial for a while.

It had shown a picture of his dad in black and white

"The doctors say I'm mad to leave the safety of the city but who cares? I have a dream. And if I did this I wouldn't be able to face up to my family…or myself"

Then in big blue words faded in the words "3 weeks later he was dead".

Although there were rumours of a man haunting the barriers of the city. Heinz had only been 12 when his father had left and now, a decade later, he had left the city in search of the man who had left him. There was no sign of the man on the barrier, but Heinz had found the dust sheet and began digging.

The magazines formed a mountain so big that the cat had to rest half way up. He didn't have any fancy clothes any more. Just a tattered, dust covered suit. He wouldn't be able to go back to civilisation now, if he did he'd be stoned.

He picked up a random magazine. He flicked through it. It told the story of a women's amazing fight against a Breast enlargement gone wrong. Heinz enjoyed the story but decided the magazines were mostly Junk. He claimed this Mountain as Heinz Mountain.

He lived there, alone, for two and a half years.

Something had walked through the dust barrier…no…the protective barrier of his mountain home, he could feel it. The hair on the back on his neck was standing up.

The cat was about Heinz's size with hair a little shorter. He had also a cleanly shaven face, something Heinz had not done recently, due to his lack of remembering to bring a razor.

"Hey dude!" It shouted. "How about selling this thing. WHOA!" The cat said as Heinz appeared from the shadow "Someone hasn't had his 6th bath today."


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 2**

_In which Heinz comes back home. _

Heinz sat against the magazine mountain.

Selling it? His home? What he worked so hard to get? He had let it take over his life and now he was just supposed to sell it? For 1 million dollar pounds?

Why the hell not?

Heinz had collected all his things together (an old leather Jacket and a copy of readers digest), and walked through the protective dust for what was probably the last time.

The bright lights shocked him. Down below the decks of Red Dwarf, the mining ship they were all currently on, there was little use for lights. In the olden day's the men had just used torches, or vehicles with lights. But the cats, the cats didn't need any light.

But this. This was just over the top.

The florescent lighting advertised everything from Sex to Coffins.

A lot had changed over the years. Heinz walked through the city until he came to what can only be called a shanty town.

The florescent lighting lit up the village, blue and red bounced off each house, going in through the curtainless windows and waking up the people sleeping there.

As if on cue, a baby started crying as Heinz walked through the town. Graffiti lined the walls. Anarchic symbols threatening death to the high priest. The one that ruled the big city, the one that had destroyed everything.

Leesa leaned against the wall, jumping at each sound. The police were after her and that wasn't even the worst of her problems.

The high priest was best friends with Cloister. Cloister was following her and telling the priest where she was.

On top of that was this interesting rumour that the Heinz Mountain, which it was a sin to go near, was to become a huge money making machine.

As if the high priest needed any more money. As if he didn't have enough from the citizens. He taxed everything. From cleaning Tax to sleeping tax.

Obviously, he was a millionaire within days. Commerce collapsed as the high priest became the only one with money. And then the death sentence got passed to anyone who could not pay their way.

Hundreds had died. Well, not Leesa. She had escaped.

Now, she only had the god to escape from.

She ran into one of the shanty towns on the outskirts of the city. She tripped over someone's legs.

"Hey, watch it!"

It was Heinz. He had a bag which he had just emptied. The road had become lined with little silver coins.

"Wow," Leesa said "That must be nearly a million…"

"No, it is a million…"

"I don't think I ever saw THAT much before the high priest took all the gold."

"Yeah. Its preety amazing." He picked up 4 silver coins. "Take the rest and give it out to everyone in this town, ok?"

"Really?"

"Why not? I won't need it. I'm getting a change of clothes and I'm leaving again. The bright lights hurt my eyes."

"I have to thankyou for your generosity somehow…come back to my place. You can sleep there!" She smiled sweetly and Heinz nodded. She grabbed his hand and lead the way…


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

_In which Heinz leaves the city, with Jello, for the last time and Leesa is taken away_

Heinz had had a good night. The bed had been comfortable and the food had been great. His freshly shaved face now showed his handsome features. Best of all, Leesa and Heinz had not touched each other all night.

It ought to be explained now that cats are very different to Humans. Sex is the perfect example of this. In the big city there are sex shops lining most streets in the same way Mcdonald's lines those of the human world. It is not particularly embarrassing, it's just one of the things you do as a cat. It's as much a part of any date as picking her up and dropping her off.

So, too not 'do it' on the first night of meeting, especially when the two are sleeping in the same house, is the greatest honour and show's the respect between too people.

Heinz knew he would probably never see her again and that was a shame. The two had become firm friends. She'd cut his hair and showed him around the shops to get a few new suits.

At about Midday it was time for Heinz too leave. There was just one thing he wanted to do first.

The April Towers adoption agency is another example of how the Cat species differ from the humans. You go in and pick a child like you'd pick a cake in a supermarket. Heinz was doing this now.

Living in the magazine mountain had given Heinz something he would never forget, the feeling of being TRULY lonely. It was a great experience, but something Heinz would never do again. It was here that he would meet Jello. A 12-year-old boy, heavily built, maybe even a little chubby, jello was perfect for what Heinz wanted. Someone to help with the chores and someone to talk to.

On top of that Heinz felt sorry for Jello. He'd hated his name since he was old enough to say it, and he expected that Jello felt the same.

So, Heinz paid 2 silver coins to the April Towers charity fund and left with Jello. Together they walked across the borders into the wilderness.

* * *

Rumour can be a very powerful thing. All the creatures on Red Dwarf, with the exception of the cats and Lister, had been destroyed during the radioactive leak. However, whenever you heard tales of the old cat wars you would here legends about Giant Elephants and murderous squid. 

This of course was stupid. And even stupider was the rumours that many of these creatures now remained in the wilderness.

Another powerful thing is the mind. And Jello was suffering from an overactive mind. The shadows moved. The echo's of their footsteps were Giant elephants far off.

"Father?" Jello whispered. They'd taught him to call all foster parents Father or Mother…

"What's up, kid?" Heinz Replied. He was a little nervous around children, but it was his best bet at bringing up someone to carry on after he'd died…

"Where are the elephants?"

"Elephants? There aren't any. Do you know where we are?"

"The wilderness?"

"That's correct. The wilderness. If my calculations are right we're heading for the lift to Heaven."

Jello didn't answer. Religion wasn't very important in the April Towers foster home.

They walked on in silence.20 minutes, 40 minutes, an hour. The signs of getting away from civilisation were becoming more and more obvious. Piles of…things towered up to the roof. It was so dark, even the cats had trouble seeing.

It took several days to reach the wall. The protection from the upper world, from heaven and hell.

This is another thing that differs between the humans and the cats.

Cats don't believe Heaven is the paradise after death. In fact it's a sin to think so. After all, is it not said "Fuchal is the Promised Land, and only by that name shall it be known."

Heaven is the place above them, and hell is the place below them.

In the olden days it was every cats dream to reach Heaven, and not to go to hell. Heaven is where Cloisters physical side is frozen in time. So, the higher up you are, the closer you are to Cloister.

This is how the April Towers business was started. April towers built Skyscrapers. And they became trillionaires in weeks. Eventually though, people were charging April Towers too much for materials to build higher, bigger skyscrapers because they thought that the huge company could afford it.

Just before the company was declared bankrupt the owner opened the April Tower Charities so that the name could live on. And it did, and had. They were the only people not charged a stupid amount by the High Priest.

Now people had stopped believing any of this. In some cases, down to hell was better then staying where they were.

Nobody knew what lurked in hell. But, whatever it was, it was probably better then the high priests.

Heinz and Jello followed the wall until they came to a black door. They prised it open and inside was the lift, the elevator to heaven…

"Look, I can't be having with this Jello thing. Can I call you something else?"

"My…sister used to call me Duke," A tear ran down his cheek.

"You have a sister?"

"She was taken by the high priests…they do that you know. They take young girls. Nobody knows why. They just do." He started going red with anger "If I could have done, I'd have saved her…"

Heinz sighed. It was hard being a kid. Being so powerless and so confused as too why. But, on the other hand, no adult could save her either…

They got in the lift together.

"Come on Duke…"

The elevator jerked and started slowly moving up. At last, the 'pilgrimage' was over. They'd found the elevator up.

But then again, they didn't believe the high priests stories about demons in the south and other such nonsense. And because of that, they'd reached it.

* * *

Leesa closed her door behind her and walked along the road. She'd done as Heinz had asked and gave everybody a share of the money. That should keep them going for at least another year. 

She walked around the corner into the big city. It was then she noticed something. She was being followed. Someone was behind her. She looked for somewhere safe to go to and decided to try the bar. Somewhere safe, somewhere…populated.

She walked in and a minute later the door opened again.

Silence filled the room. Someone important had walked in. It was a smartly dressed man with a smile that said "I know more then you". It also showed off his incredibly sharp fangs when he smiled.

The man spoke to the landlord who pointed at Leesa. She tried to think of a way out…but couldn't. She sat back and closed her eyes.

It couldn't have been 10 minutes later when the same man walked out carrying a large sack, smiling still. He placed the sack on the back seat of his car and drove off…


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

_In which society begins_

Frankenstein licked her paws. It had been a difficult birth but all 17 of the Children were safe. 9 boys and 8 girls. That did nicely. She didn't have long to live, she knew that and so she just watched her children.

If she had known how much had been given up so that she could live…

The kittens were happily playing together.

The chance that without her they would survive was a million to one.

She sat, and in her final thoughts wished each of them luck…

It was then that Frankenstein, the birth giver, died.

Frankenstein had been with the kittens two weeks and had taught them everything about Cloister. She'd given the commandments and the map to the Promised Land.

"Two shirts. One pair of socks" 

And the rest was up to them.

And they did it. Years of inbreeding, years of evolving caused the cats to change into what they were now. And yet…the same rules and commandments which Frankenstein had given out were nearly as important as then.

The kittens grew up. They had kids. Kid that were…different. Some just had brighter eyes. Others, others could stand on their hind legs, or they had thumbs.

It would happen slowly, but soon, the freaks would be in the majority.

Out of the 9 boys, the one that didn't breed became the high priest. The leader. The one that followed Mothers word to the letter.

And this is how society started…


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

_In which the prophesy begins to unravel._

_Authors note: Last update was over a year and 2 months ago. Sorry._

The elevator came down.

It had been a hard two years. Not because of any immediate danger, but because of both the lack of food and water. Neither Heinz nor Jello had guessed the size of heaven, hundreds of floors lay above crossed with thousands of rooms and only one of them contained God.

Ah, cloister, that had been a glorious day. He'd had the curry stains, the custard and beer had been stuck in his unshaven stubble and Heinz had stayed up there with their God. Jello couldn't understand it. Alright it had been God, but something was wrong. God shouldn't look that way. There should be light, a halo, a group of worshippers. Not nasal hair and in growing toe nails.

But there was something else. Someone was up there, before they had even set foot in the life. Foot prints had lined both floor's and walls and an odd odour of long digested fish filled most of the halls. Next to the booth that held Cloister somebody had lay out half a dozen white candles. Back home they'd been a bit of a luxury. Cat's had never had any real use for candles, if there was any trace of light in the air then a cat could see. Candles were used for fun, for ornament, or for sniffing. However, when the high priest had begun taxing for everything, money had become so scarce that something expensive, like candles, were impossible to get a hold of.

Heinz had stayed back, something Jello couldn't do. He had unfinished business back home. But Heinz had had a look Jello had never seen before. Something…inspired. Jello could smell it on him, he'd seen God and now he planned to act upon it. He wanted to search every floor for the people he had named the 'visitors'. He had thought it could have been his Dad.

Jello couldn't be doing with that. All he could remember was the look on the skeleton thin semi-corpses they had past on the way out of the city. He was angry, and he needed vengeance.

* * *

Nobody had ever understood why the high priest took young girls from their families. It was just one of those things that was never questioned. That is, it was never questioned until the cats in dark suits came knocking at your door. Then you looked at the people around you and wondered why THEY never questioned it.

There were basically two reasons people didn't question it. The first was simple, it had never happened to them. This wasn't as selfish as it sounded. The high priest did stuff. He was evil, and that was just accepted. If you went around questioning what he did nothing would ever get done. The second reason was that people who questioned things had a horrible habit of going missing.

It wasn't uncommon to see the black van pull up in the shanty town and when it did nobody dared look at which house they went to. It was normal for an average cat to all of a sudden become incredibly interested in a garbage can full of old bits of chicken, should they hear a van rush in there direction.

However, this time was different.

15 years ago a girl had been born. She had almost died, but everybody had chipped in, some had gone hungry for weeks so that this girl would get the best medical attention that money could buy.

This girl was special though. She had been born in bed 15, at hospital 15, at 3 o'clock in the afternoon, on the 15 of March 1515 AA (After Accident). Legend had it that the girl who fit this exact description would save the cat race and take down the high priest and then the whole cat race would journey onto Fuchal, and all would be happy.

The thing with legends was that 90 tended to be the excrement of a certain farmyard animal.

It is true that in the year 622 AA the great Terries had said that a girl would be born with the number 15 in her hair (A metaphor, the cat's had decided). However, nobody in history had decided it a good idea to mention that Terries also enjoyed chewing on his own ass and barking like a dog. Nor had history ever mentioned the way that Terries had died, biting off his own not yet out-evolved tail.

But, people needed something to believe. And still did. And it's better to believe in crazy dog/cat hybrids then it is to believe in war gods and cat's allegedly frozen in time.

* * *

The door lay wide open, they hadn't even knocked. Number 15 had been broken into, and the young girl stolen. The other cat's didn't really think about this as she'd been kidnapped. She had belonged to everyone in the slum. Alright, so hardly any of them had had to go through the childbirth. Only one women could have possibly carried the baby in her womb. But that was just a matter of circumstance. She was every bodies saviour and every bodies child.

Wet leaves covered the mat inside the door, which had been forced off its hinges. Mud had been traipsed through the living room, which only had a small wooden chair in it anyway. The chair itself had been broken. Somewhere inside the small hour, crying could be heard. It was one of those situations where the noises made could only be made by a huge group of silent people. People trying not to breathe, not to shuffle, not to make too much of a nuisance of themselves usually make more noise then people who don't care about any of this. They could see the pain that the mother was going through.

And true to tradition, she stared at the faces, begged them to help her find her daughter. Many faces remained blank and pretended that they weren't there. Many tried to think up alibis. But some of them cheered. Some of them saw this as the beginning of something. Some of them saw this as the end of an era.

That night music could be heard in the slum. Bad music, but music all the same. There was one simple message on the air.

"Soon the High Priest will be gone."


End file.
